Author Archives: Sandra Pesmen

Quit Comparing Self to Others!


Attending a meeting of old friends, I was struck by the fact that most of them spent the afternoon bragging about and comparing their lives.


One talked about her new car, almost everyone had stories about children and grandchildren complete with photos, others bragged about recent trips or cruises,(again with phone pix) and still others talked about “things” like jewelry and clothes—then stood to model them.


The comments were made with an attitude of “Aren’t you jealous of me?” and “Look what I have that you don’t.”


I thought we had grown out of constantly comparing our lives to others’, but I was wrong.


Many of us never do grow out of it, and that’s not healthy, according to Aaron Hill, Greg Miller and Jack Skeen, who together wrote “The Circle Blueprint: Decoding the Conscious and Unconscious Factors that Determine Your Success.”


Research from the 1950s shows that people have a natural drive to make “upward” or “downward” comparisons between themselves and others, report the authors. And due to social media, we can now look at posts from friends and acquaintances and assess how we “measure up” on a daily (or even hourly) basis.

Hill adds that spending too much time or energy studying the proverbial “Joneses” or ranking others is harmful to all involved.

“Comparing establishes your own worth by whether or not you feel better or worse than others,” says Hill. It’s an unhealthy waste of time that undermines your ability to reach your full potential. And it’s a widespread problem. But most people who engage in comparing themselves to others don’t realize how damaging it really can be.”

The authors explain that comparing yourself with others is detrimental to your happiness and success. Here are a few of the problems that come along with constant comparison:

Comparisons are rarely accurate. “When you compare yourself to others, you are often inaccurate in your conclusions,” says Hill. “Upon seeing a shabbily dressed person, you may make judgments about their job, ability, intelligence, or motivation. But you don’t have all the information. A brilliant day trader who works alone may choose to work in old sweatpants, for example, and has left the office for a quick walk to clear his head. The point is, you don’t know the whole story, so your comparison is ultimately wrong. Then you allow those comparisons to detrimentally affect your performance and your life suffers…all based on false facts.”

Comparing upward makes you unhappy and erodes your confidence. There will always be someone who has more or has accomplished more than you. But when you spend most of your time fretting over others’ supposed superiority, you’re wasting valuable time and energy that you could be using to enhance your life. And before you assume someone else has it so much better than you, remind yourself again that you get to see only a slice of their life. On social media, for example, people post only what they want you to see. From glamorous selfies to gorgeous vacation photos, their online personas are an inaccurate portrayal of their real lives. Make sure you’re not giving them more credit than they deserve.

Comparing downward creates feelings of superiority that don’t serve you well in various ways. It might make you feel smarter, more successful, or just “better” than other people, but downward comparisons cause you to overlook others’ gifts. At work, you may not give those you’ve judged as “less than” enough credit for their knowledge and may not seek their advice even though they have plenty to offer. Or, you may give yourself too much credit and slack off because you think you’re more capable.

The good news is, there are easy steps you can take to quit comparing yourself to others and become more autonomous, and, thus, more independent:

  1. Make a point to notice how often you make comparisons. If you want, take a notepad and make tally marks every time you catch yourself making a comparison. The number may astonish you, and that is okay; everyone makes comparisons. You have to start somewhere, and simply taking note is a start toward reducing your comparisons.
  2. Now, take note of how such comparisons affect your thoughts and actions. Are you holding something back because you think you are too good or not good enough? Do you act differently toward those who are “upward” or “downward” of you?
  3. Practice reducing such comparisons. When you catch yourself comparing, try to stop. Remind yourself that comparisons are not healthy for you.
  4. Practice treating all people you come in contact with at the same levels of courtesy and respect. Sure, it is unlikely you’ll meet a stranger with the same greeting as a good friend—it might be strange to all involved if you hugged a complete stranger as you would someone you know and love—but your greeting can be similarly pleasant and respectful.
  5. Become aware of how free you feel. When you stop comparing, or even reducing your comparisons drastically, you’ll feel a new level of autonomy and independence.

“It’s time to stop worrying about who has more Facebook friends, who’s got the bigger paycheck, or who has the greatest house,” concludes Hill. “In the end, knowing who has more or less than we do accomplishes nothing. Instead, we should all focus our attention on becoming better versions of ourselves—because that’s the true measure of success.” ##

Join Uber’s Go Go Grandparents

I don’t know why I came so late to the Uber party.

For a long time I watched my kids and grandkids whip our their smartphones and quickly order transportation, and I was amazed at how efficient and inexpensive it was.

But I stuck with traditional rides because I didn’t use them often, and it seemed a bit overwhelming to work through the website and registration to set myself up as an Uber rider.

But then I had to travel from the suburbs to Chicago’s loop Monday. That usually involves an hour and a half drive through traffic, and very expensive parking. (Last time I paid $47 for three hours in a public lot.)

Instead I decided to ride the Metra Train, a 30- minute trip that costs about $2 one way for seniors. But how was I going to get home after an afternoon meeting and dinner? I didn’t want to go down into the dark, train station alone late at night.

I have paid $80 plus tip for a limo ride home, and one taxi driver I know charges $70 plus tip. I was leaning toward the latter Sunday evening, when I decided to at least try and check out then sign up with Uber. It was not that daunting.

In fact, it was rather simple and I was pleasantly surprised to find there’s even a special “Go Go Grandparents Club” that lets you do it all by phone and skip the internet altogether.

Here’s the Go Go Grandparents’ phone number you can use to speak directly to a live person and make arrangements or reservations: 855-464-6872.

Monday night after dinner, I took out my phone, pressed the app and typed in my name, location, and request. I was asked to put in my credit card information. Once accepted, I was told the driver’s name, his car’s description and its  license number, then directed to meet him outside the door in five minutes.

He was there on time, he drove me home and the bill was $30!!!!!!  No tip was required, but I was allowed to add one to the bill and survey that arrived in an email later.

In all, it was a very satisfying experience and one I’ll be repeating often.  Try it, you’ll like it.


Nostalgia: A Willingness to Embrace Past Pain

I often lunch with an old high school friend, and  recently, we decided to try and round up others who belonged to our long-ago high school club, The Rhos.

A few “round robin ” calls brought about 10 positive  responses. The upshot is we’re planning  a “Sunday Brunch Reunion” at a nearby  diner later this month.

Why does the idea of one more “Rhos meeting” bring so much joy to all of us?

I found part of the answer in author Sara Donit’s “The Guineveres”.  Its a tale of four girls named Guinevere who are given to nuns to rear in a convent until age 18 because they have no real homes or families. Ah, what a sad but bewitching story.

At the end, when the girls reconnect as women, they ponder the question of why it’s necessary to look back on their history, the good and the bad.

“Maybe that’s just what nostalgia is: a willingness to embrace the pain of the past,” says the narrator.  Although the women don’t speak often, she adds that  “frequency doesn’t determine the depth of friendship… and no one can ever know you like those with whom you’ve shared the pangs of your youth.”

With that in mind, we “club sisters” are really looking forward to seeing each other.

Now, if I can just find that club photo and my little gold Rhos pin!


Hear This: Beware Old Bait & Switch

I’m not deaf as a stone yet, but I do have what’s diagnosed as moderate, age-appropriate hearing loss, averaging  from10-20-30% depending upon range.

That means you and I can enjoy a normal conversation, but I have trouble in theaters and at lectures without efficient sound systems, or listening to very high and very low tones, or English accents on Masterpiece theater. I was saying “what?” a lot.

I’d been using a $25 amplifier from Amazon in one ear and it seemed adequate despite some background noise.

Then I saw a newspaper ad from Miracle Ear offering its newest, smallest pair of 2 aids for $895, compared to all other aids they sell, ranging from $4,000 to $9,000.

Sounded good to me so I made an appointment, was tested by a professional and very pleasant hearing specialisst who explained the “bait and switch” deal: That set only works for 20% loss or less.

When my hearing fell just below that line on her graph, she gave me a “switch pitch” for the other, very high priced products.

As much as I liked her personally, I drove right to COSTCO HEARING CENTER for a cost comparison .

Once there, I was tested by an equally pleasant and professional hearing specialist,  and  shown brochures for several sets of hearing aids that research shows are equal to brands elsewhere, and I chose one of COSTCO’s Kirkland Signature brands. This store’s range is from about $1,700 0$3,000.

Since I have a mild to moderate loss I bought a less expensive model.

My advice is tobe tested by an audiologist in a medical doctor’s office, and follow their advice. If they determine you have mild to moderate loss, you can but need and want aids, go to COSTO and Do Not Pass Go.

(Hearing specialists are trained by their company. Audiologists, who need medical doctor supervision, receive special training and receive a “doctor” degree, similar to tht of a podiatrist. It is not a medical degree.)



Delete Guilt

We have no room in our brains for guilt–so delete it!

In the last few weeks I’ve spoken with two recent widows, one in her sixties and one just turned 90!

They both had long, happy, satisfying marriages and still  enjoy the love and attention of their children and grandchildren.

Everyone feels particularly sad about the  younger woman’s situation because she enjoyed a remarkably loving relationship. She says, “I Ifeel as though I’ve lost half of me.”

And yet, she confessed, “I also feel guilty because I’m relieved. My husband suffered for seven years, struggling to keep all those very sick days and constant  trips in and out of hospitals, and to doctor offices, more or less secret because he didn’t want to upset everyone. It’s peaceful now. I’m mourning a loved one and also the death of the  beautiful life  we lived almost 40 years. So I feel guilty that I’m actually relieved that the stress and  tension of watching his constant pain is over.”

The other woman believes she did everything possible to make her husbands last years and days as happy and comfortable as she could’. They were both in their late 80s when he became ill, and it was a physical as well as emotional strain for her. She kept him home with caregivers as long as possible, then placed him in a nearby nursing facility she visited twice daily.

“I feel guilty because on my 90th birthday I decided  this is my ‘happy year.’ I’ve been the caregiver all my life. First I raised our four children, then cared for all our parents, and now I’m always worrying about our 13 grandchildren. It never stops until you make it stop.

“So I decided this year is for ME! I am doing only things that bring me pleasure.”

Then she added, “But I can’t help feeling guilty about it.”

Well, she shouldn’t. We only pass this way once. And since she’s spent 90  years giving care and love to others it would be a sin NOT to spend whatever time is left to her doing everything she can to have fun. .

No guilt. Just enjoy!


A Perfect Sunday

I woke up when I finished sleeping–with no alarm or obligations –and met a beautiful sunny day with temperatures in the mid to high seventies.

While coffee was brewing, I  walked  down the driveway to pick up my  Sunday New York Times. Because it was such a gorgeous morning I carried paper, coffee and  toasted bagel out onto the patio to begin my daylong reading of it.

I kept glancing at the garden surrounding me, with amazement that it somehow survived our heat spell and once again was glorious. There is nothing like a few tree branches overhead to make you feel “safe.”

And I did, until later when I put the paper aside and went into watch an hour or two ofd recorded Sunday morning news shows. (ACCCCCCHHHHH!!!!!!! That will dash your feelings of safety and security.)

After more reading outside, I realized it was time to visit my new neighbor’s “Sukkah”  a  small temporary hut set up in honor of the Fall season’s harvest ,and i spent a pleasant  half hour meeting even more new neighbors.

I could feel myself becoming more and more relaxed as I went back home, changed into sneakers and took my daily mile and a half hike through nearby West Park .  How lovely were all the other gardens and lush trees I passed  that were just beginning to change color for our famous  Midwest mural of colorful falling leaves.

Back home  I went, and back to reading the Times until supper.

I took my simple meal back to the patio along with  a half bottle of leftover red wine, and finished  reading the book section as I ate.

Looking around again, I thought, ” How lucky I am to have the freedom, at long last, to feel I’ve taken care of everyone  I love, and now have only to take care of me.”

Its another kind of liberation, if you will: choosing what I want to do whenever I like—and doing it.


Staying Put–Again

For several years I’ve vacillated over whether to move to a condo where I won’t have to be responsible for snow, lawn and house maintenance, or stay in the family home I’ve been in 54 years.

The arguments for moving seemed obvious, especially this year when I had to replace a leaking roof, redo the paved driveway, replace 30-year-old carpet and constantly call trusty repairmen to attend to HV/AC, plumbing and electrical problems.

Seemed like an expensive, tiresome year and I yearned for the carefree life in a condo that I thought would probably cost about the same as keeping up this place

Then I met Barbara. She made that transition when her husband died several years ago, moving to a two bedroom, spacious condo in an upscale, gated community.

“I have a mortgage because my accountant said it would help with write-offs, and a monthly assessment. I’m very upset because the assessment was $200 when I move in and now its $600. Also, we’re getting a special assessment next year for new roofs on all the buildings.”

I thought that was all, until she added, “Then my refrigerator broke, flooding the kitchen, and I had to replace the entire floor. That was covered by insurance, but the maintenance man saw my workmen, and reported it to the building management company which threatened me with a lawsuit because I didn’t ask their permission first. I hate them and I hate the maintenance guy.”

Well, stuff happens. But then she got going again: “Then the lady upstairs had a broken toilet that dripped down through my ceiling and ruined the paint on all the walls and ceiling. This time I did ask management about the insured repairs, and they insisted they only had to repair the area over the tub and I argued that the whole room was a mess. The inspectors came out and agreed with me and it’s finally settled. But I spent two weeks with each incident on the phone and waiting around for workmen.”

So that convinced me to stay put, because I believe the same problems follow us wherever we go. And this way my family can still enjoy holiday dinners around the same big old table we’ve been eating and laughing around for 54 years.

Did you have a downsizing experience different from Barbara?


A Time to Love–and Forgive

During this  time between the Jewish New Year and Yom Kippur, Jews ask forgiveness from those they feel they have wronged and forgive those they believe  wronged them.

I thought about that this week when a friend complained that her wonderful 26-year-old grandsoi didn’t call to wish her a Happy Birthday. She said she wasn’t going to speak to him until he did.

I asked who she thought would suffer more, the happy, busy, hard-working  young man – or his old widowed grandmother sitting alone in her apartment.

I suggested she send him an email saying, “Happy New Year, Love Grandmother.”

He probably forgot about  her birthday, I added,  and will be delighted to get that nice message. (I also think he’ll either send a reply or–even better–phone her!)

As my wise father once said, “Love flows from parent to child to child to child…” (And if we’re lucky, some flows back.)


Kiss This One Goodbye

She’d been a widow six months. He lost his wife two months before. So when they met through a mutual friend, it was natural to plan a dinner date.

Then another. And another.

“It was wonderful to have a friend to talk to who understood exactly what I was going through and we helped each other get through the same problems,” she said.

But girls will be girls and, as Melania Trump says, “Boys will be boys.”

“I was shocked last night when we got back to my house and he wanted to become intimate,” she confessed. “I enjoy a hug, a kiss on the cheek, his arm around me. But I’m not ready for anything more and I was shocked that he didn’t know that.”

Why would he?

She comes from an era when nice girls didn’t “do that” and no one really expected them too. But she felt sad that she couldn’t “accommodate” her friend.

She doesn’t have to feel sad about it. We all should realize that’s what happens when two people “keep company” for any length of time, and it takes physical attraction as well as kindness to respond.

Because there are so many more widows than widowers, he’ii find any number of women to take to dinner who WILL want to become intimate with him.

She, on the other hand, can enjoy pleasant evenings out with some of the smart, wonderful women who meet at the events in senior centers, libraries, churches, and local colleges.

And who knows? A man she CAN respond to emotionally  may just turn up at the next bridge  table.###

No Place Like Home?

My friend Marilyn has always been the leader of  our pack.

In high school she was a cheer leader,then the first married, first to have babies. Everytime we had a club or school reunion–Marilyn was in the center of each crowd, our cheer leader again and always.

It was fun to just be around her.

Now that she’s in her 80s, her family and friends who are left still rally around her and always try and get her to come to reunions–no matter how far.

So last month her 91-year old aunt and 97-year old uncle asked her to join a family reunion  across the country in San Francisco.

You couldn’t stop her. All the sights just waiting for our Marilyn to visit. So off she flew with her daughter and they settled into a nice hotel for a week.

Did they have fun as usual????No way.

“My aunt’s become so crabby and demanding. My uncle doesn’t know what’s happening, two others had to fly back home to Florida because of the hurricanes. It was just awful. We did a little sight seeing and couldn’t wait to get home.”

That was unusual for Marilyn–who always has the best time anywhere because SHE’s there.

But you know what? As we get older and finally do adjust to the life we’ve made by ourselves—-sometimes there’s just no place like home.

There’s a new sense of freedom most of us never knew before.