Avoid ‘Down and Dirty’ Men

Unfortunately, now that you’re a widow, you are bound to get into “meet someone” situations. It happens at senior center mixers, online dating sites, or when well-meaning friends and family members try and “fix you up with my brother Harry.” Some of those dates may actually turn out to be wonderful opportunities to meet a special person who may become a real companion to you for who knows how long.

person who can become a real companion to you the years ahead. Others can become a terrible, sometimes dangerous and financially scamming, situation.

Shannon Colleary an L.A.-based author, sexpert, and Relationship/Dating Coach, gives us a “heads up” on which is which in her new book, “She Dated the #Asshats but Married the Good Guy: How to go from Toxic Love to Real Love in 12 Exercises.”

I found the following information from the book  interesting and helpful to us, and also for our single daughters and granddaughters. It describes “down and dirty men” and tells us how to get them out of our lives.

Six Down-and-Dirty Types of Men:

1.    Mr Need For Speed. This is the guy who sees you across a crowded room and it’s Love At First Sight. But, as soon as you’re convinced he’s a good bet and you decide to invest in the relationship, he freaks, ices you out and runs as fast as he can, leaving you dazed and confused.

2.    Mr Mopes A Lot. This is the guy who resists doing anything for you or the relationship. He especially doesn’t want to get to know your friends, family or anyone who truly loves you because he actually knows he’s not treating you well and realizes they will sense it.

3.    Mr One-Way Street. He has needs, but you can’t have any. For instance, he asks favors: Can you pick up his laundry? Can you do his laundry? Can you type up a report for him at the last minute even though you need to get to work? But, if you ask him to just be on time for a date he acts like you’re asking him to drywall your entire apartment.

4.    Mr You Suck. Once this guy knows he’s got you hooked, he slowly but surely begins a campaign of criticism. It may begin with teasing. Then it escalates to full-blown character assassination, “You’re too needy or neurotic.” “You’re paranoid if you think I’m cheating.” Guys like this want control. They want you to fill their emotional and sexual needs while making you feel so inadequate that you don’t feel entitled to have any needs at all.

5.    Mr Caution/Continue at Your Own Risk. This is the guy who wears his dysfunction on his sleeve. He tells you right up front that he had a terrible childhood he barely survived. For many women this guy is catnip. The love of a good woman could heal him and turn him into a loving, appreciative man! Danger, danger!

6.    Mr KGB Agent. Don’t ask this guy too much or he may have to kill you. He doesn’t want you anywhere near his phone, tablet, or computer. He says if you could just trust him and give him his privacy, then eventually he will trust you and give you more access. (Many women wait patiently like little Cocker Spaniels for that access for years… and it never comes.)

Three Spring Cleaning Tips:

If you are dating any of these men, it’s time to take action, pick up a broom, and sweep them out of your life for good!

1.    Identify your self-defeating traits that have kept you from leaving:

a.    Overabundance of empathy
b.    Misplaced responsibility
c.    Rescuing
d.    People-pleasing
e.    Abandonment of ‘self’ due to love/sex addictions

2.    Establish a ‘mental health village’ focused on your needs:

a.    A higher power of one’s own understanding
b.    A community of similarly-circumstanced women
c.    One-on-one coaching

3.    Implement actionable steps to empower yourself to receive Real Love. For example:

a.    Create ‘your perfect mate’ list—what qualities and values you desire most
b.    Find a role model – quiz a couple whose relationship you admire about the secrets to their success
c.    Salvage yourself – start recording the amount of time you spend drowning in codependency (i.e. minutes you spend stalking your Lothario online, time spent driving to his place to see if his car is there, time spent mentally obsessing), and then carve out equal time increments for self-care (i.e. go to the gym, yoga class, out to lunch or the beach with your girlfriends).For more, see the author’s page: She Dated the #Asshats but Married the Good Guy: How to go from Toxic Love to Real Love in 12 Exercises

 

###